past frustrations.

2 weeks to 7th, cross my fingers.
sigh, so much shit had happened and i'm so worn out by it.
projects, work and all my love-hate relationships.
i. just. want. to. break. free.
so won't you let me?
i could barely open my eyes today, closing like every damn minute.
i'm that fatigue.
i'm in such a bad state, i literally look like a panda.
my mind is soooooo so so so cluttered by what's all around me.
nothing could be so perfect.
i couldn't ask for more, it's beyond the expectation.
ohh, what have i done.
what am i suppose to do with you.
every little god damn frustration.
maybe dropping off everyone was probably the only solution to keep myself sane.
it has only been 4 months, yet everything, every single thing had changed.

silly, you reminded me how was it like to have someone for company again.
you reminded how was it like to feel so young again? ha.
how mutt or beng you could be, it's seriously stupid.
made me angry when you acted like a baby.
made the days seemed shorter, and the night seemed longer.
relieved my days in school.
relieved all my band memories, honestly speaking i missed my band friends and making music with them.
taught me stuff i didn't know.
told me about your past,
and what you wna be in future.
i can't be anymore proud of you.
how hardworking you'd strived to be.
i seriously don't know what am i to do with you.
this is so different.
it was something special i hope.
but.
i don't know what i want and i don't know how i should go about this.
if only. if. if. ifs. ifs. ifs. ifs..
when i question myself, my heart replies only,
"i don't know...."
why.

i don't know.
i don't know, what's holding me back.

sunday afternoon, i saw his face in the most unlikeliest places.
he saw me, he saw me first. waved. and smiled politely right back at me.
he was with someone else, someone, not me anymore.
my heart sank, it left me in a lurch.
went somewhere far away, vented my anger, and vented my emotions.
i acted like i was fine, but i wasn't ok.
in the end, i decided i can't turn back, i won't let you see me.

no matter how far or near you are, where ever you'd be, and how have you been, i've nv ever stopped thinking of you.
even so, i've let you go..
it had always been a part of me.
ironies, how silly of me.
i still miss you.
and i do know, yes. i can never be a part of you anymore.


"i really don't know, how should everything be..?"

sigh. sm submission's later. and the next friday, the final project submission.
and i should really be thinking about this, instead of being such a heart wreck.
maybe losing my handphone is a sign that i should really drop off everyone.

bye and goodnight.
bed. bath. eat. school. work. eat. bath. bed.

Thought buzzing.

This stupid thought striked me like a lightning during work today. Freaking random and it made me pretty upset... I hate it when it gets into me. I FAILED to brush it off, it bothered me too much..

Was doing the normal routines of serving the customers... And over the period of my working days, I did realise the customers who came into the store were couples, but.... it didn't bother me so... But then again, I don't know, this was just so out of the blue that suddenly I tried recalling shopping together with you. And it just HIT ME SO HARD, like a painful throbbing thump-thump at the back of my head. Damn it. And then... I instantly remembered choosing 2 long sleeves shirt for you at one of the boutique at Suntec City when you were going in to work for HMM. I remembered the colours of the shirts. One was confirmed blue and the other was brown? OK. That one I don't remember. But ultimately, you made me decide and you went for it. Sigh.. I liked shopping with you, and teasing you back 'cause you are always so picky yadah yadah... I missed watching a movie with you, everything is so damn different now. I didn't catch Kungu Panda with anyone because of you lar, you ass. :( Sighhhh.. It's ok.. I know you are damn lucky, and that you won't even bump into me please. :(( SO NEAR YET SO FAR.

Anyway.. Someone asked me this question before, "If the clock stopped one day, and you could be with him somewhere forever, where would it be?" haha, I told her.. "snuggled right next to him in the cinema or bed. forever :)" I don't mind sleeping forever. Hahahas, thought buzz. Irritating, more like thought bust! :(

purple.ewhite.bus80.artery.ps.224.circuitrd.payalebar.carlsjr.movies............... it's nv ending.

What now..?

2 days to 2 months, since the last I saw you.
And you really don't care anymore.
Damn it, I missed you again. Fuck.

OH SHUT UP.

[edit]I WILL. And I will not let an SMS ruin me. Neither will I get it into me ever again. I deserve much more. I can be so much better than this. I will have the willpower to let go. Sometimes I hate myself.[/edit]
230608. I'll forget twentyfour. Thanks so much.

@ ZOUK AND DOUBLE O :)

my su babyyyy and gracia :)

booblessandboobies!

DBL O's stage lightings.

PCBUNK girls and I :)

BYE.

Mono.

You know what? Let's just live our own lives. 'Cause if this goes on, it would go on forever. Getting so ugly I don't wish to disfigure myself further. So let's just live with what we have now. You go be happy with yours, I'll lead mine. That way all of us won't be upset anymore. Alright :) When I fall, I'll fall alone. After all, I'd picked it up on my own. 'Cause I never listen until reality slaps me real tight on the face, then will I learn. It's seriously my bad. My sincerest (is there such a word?) apologises to anyone whom I've let down or upset. Truths are always the hardest to take. I hope we all accept it and move on. Cheers.

4th May, HAPPY uh, 70th BIRTHDAY PAPA. Hope you liked the mango cake.. CAUSE I LOVED IT. :) LOL. I think it's like the best cake spasm, yo! :D Okok, he loves mango too. Hmmmm. Guess... My family is back on track again. Just pray that history wouldn't repeat itself again. I'm happy when papa, mama and my 2 korkors are happy :)) Oh yeah, it's also strawberry nanny's birthday too! Happy 19th birthday MAYBELLE :) Hope you get to read this. HAHA. May all your wishes come true, and have many, MANY good returns in time to come too :) Lucks for your future endeavour and everything girl!

3th May, which was officially yesterday. Spent my time with my 2 favourite girls... LIMPING AT ORCHARD :( My ankle still hurts pretty bad. Hope I'll be fine by later 'cause there's work! Yeah, we're on super tight budget, and working towards our goals. PRADA WALLET. I'm COMING :DD Give me uhhhh, 2-3 weeks more. YOU ARE SO GNA BE MINE :) Chatted and lingered around.. Yup and the money talks are seriously driving me up the wall. Even in my dreams, I'm dreaming about MONEY. Damn it. It's like an evil root in the midst of my head! :( DAMN. Tried too hard to pluck it off, but to no avail. Who can live without money ah, TELL ME. LOL. I go live with you. Hmmmm. This time, I really have aims in my life. And I'm going to strive so damn hard for my future! That is, if I even make it to the age of 30! I seriously think I'm going to die young. BOO. Short life. Anyway, I don't wish to live that long either. :p So yupppp. I'm going back to do my tutorials and talk to my pen and paper :) You guys out there, all take care! The weather's freaking unpredictable. Boost up all y'all immunities, douse yourself in vitamins and drink tonnes of h2o yo. :D Many loves from your retarded ball.

Work work work, I'm coming! Oh no, just got a sudden surge to go Dragonfly or Mono now. ZZZ. where the fucking hell is my BOOZE, damn it.

WHY DIDN'T YOU :( NEVERMIND.


Always wanted to be..

Tea overdose.

This is really bad. I'm down with a cold and it's seriously not of any help 'cause I'm rushing SOOO MUCH work right now. I need to digress awhile before I go insane. I had green apple awhile ago, with a cup of hot tea, to keep me on the go. The pile of work is multiplying like bacteria, think that's why it has gotten me. Deadlines later, Friday, and next Friday. Urg. TESTS. PRESENTATIONS. EXAMS. ): Bad timing.

Things to do (losing track, too much work):
-finish research for cs
-1pg summary for cs
-executive summary for a&p
-crm, crm, crm
-presentation slides
-scripts
-study for summative test
-DANGS. So many things to do in just 1 week. And a DAY. DEADLINES ): Against the ticking hands.

(back to work, enough of distraction.)
To shut it all off and make a run for the door.